The Lost Mom


On what collateral damage feels like
June 1, 2015, 2:53 pm
Filed under: gay marriage, gay parents, non-bio mom

⊕ I am renewing this blog today, June 1st, 2015 because it’s the 10th anniversary of Blogging for LGBTQ Families Day.  How it’s come to take so long for me to come back here is for another time.⊕

Everything has changed so fast.  One day gay marriage was a far off notion and the next day it is legal.  In December 2013 when District Judge Robert J. Shelby found the Utah same-sex marriage ban unconstitutional it was surreal. Surreal not just for us in Utah but for the whole country watching us.  It was especially surreal for those of us who had already challenged our authenticity in the state legal system. Those of us who challenged and in most cases lost.

At the time of the ruling there was so much to celebrate. I went to the impromptu rally that night.  There were speakers and music and rainbow flags.  There were families.  Awesome, homo families.  Moms pushing strollers.  Dads pushing strollers.  It was emotional.  It was stunning.  It was cathartic.

I decided to go at the last minute.  I went alone. I didn’t know how my mood would be.  What did happen is that I cried.  Almost as soon as I got there.  Big ugly crying. Sobbing really.  I understood the significance of it all. It meant that no one would ever go through what I have gone through.  And I was happy about that. Happiness was one important and profound reason I cried.

I also cried because of all the loss.  The sadness I used to feel all the time, every day.  The sadness that still is there all the time and every day but is buffered by time.  It all came out.  Poured out.  Cried out.

What I know is this; the world is changing and the gay rights train is not only out of the station but headed to every town.  What I know is this; I am part of the collateral damage left behind.  Years from now most people will recognize what an absolutely barbaric system we had at the time that sons and daughters were taken from their queer parents.  It will all seem so archaic and tragic.  Sadly, those of us who are affected by those times still exist.

I hate that this is part of the joy of the recent events.  The bitter to my sweet.  But it is and it is real.  Be kind to those of us who paved this road will failed law suits.  Be kind to those of us who have this bitter to your sweet.  We also feel the sweet just a little differently.  Just be kind to us.