The Lost Mom

All he knew is that I just never came back….
April 28, 2009, 9:40 pm
Filed under: non-bio mom, visitation | Tags: ,

This could break a woman’s heart.

It haunts me really. It’s the thing that can wake me up in the middle of the night. Tightening in the chest.

The idea, that in his barely two year old mind, all his knew is that one day I was there and then I just never came back. He has no way to know that I wanted, every day, to see him. That I longed to hold him and kiss his little cheeks. He’ll never know that I cried for months. He’ll never know. But I do.

All he knows is that I never came back.

This has been just a brutal reality. An injustice that can never be undone. She stole time from me. Important, precious time at a time in his life when every day he changes. Every day he discovers something new. She stole him from me for the last 10 (almost 11) months. I can never have that back.

For the first 1 1/2 years I had every day, every beautiful day with him. It’s funny, now, how I cherish the memories of all those times … then. How I remember fondly the great-stomach-flu incident. Vomit wouldn’t even bother me now. Wouldn’t we all cherish the vomitous nights if we knew they might be all the nights we get?

I remember that last day I saw him. I didn’t know it would be my last day. I would have held him longer. Tighter. Told him more times that I love him. Wouldn’t we all do that if we knew it was the last day? Perhaps we should do that every day? Just in case.

So, tonight, I look at the only photos I have of him. A suspension of time. And tomorrow I will see him again. I will come back.

It takes my breath away.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I hope today was so sweet for you, I know it is so, so much hardness.

Comment by jbeeky

I’m right there with you. Your words are words I’ve said so many times. But now you have today – you saw him today! I can hardly control how much joy that brings me. I love the photos! I hope it’s just the beginning.

Comment by Keri

I know how you feel. The last time I saw him (7 years ago) he was reaching for me and crying over his mom’s shoulder and she was marching off swearing I could never see him again.

I haven’t.

Comment by me

this broke my heart. I’m so sorry.

Comment by Gena

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: