The Lost Mom

Why a Lost Mom or The Unfinished Map
April 23, 2009, 12:32 am
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , ,

This blog, my first blog ever, is devoted to my forever unfinished art piece.

map 1

map 1

I will continually update my progress with the map. The base of the map is a white flannel baby blanket with hand-stitched felt cut outs.

Why a map: I am making this map because I am lost. I am lost to my three year old son. At first I thought he was lost and then I realized that, no, I know exactly where he is. He lives in the house I used to share with my ex-partner, his other mother (his bio-mother, if you must know). He lives there with her and her new husband. I am not allowed to visit him however. It is me who is lost.

I am making this map, I will always make this map, so that he will one day find his way back to me. In fact, if you happen to see a charastmatic, charming, three year old with the cutest nose in history, tell him I’m working on the map as fast as I can.

I am also making this map to represent what feels to me the most brutal thing about this situation. The fact that we live just a few miles from one another. We are so close. We could be in the same store at the same time or walking in the park at the exact same moment. I could round a street corner, or a grocery isle and see him and his mother. In fact, I think of this scenario often. What would I do. I think of just yelling out his name and scoping him up. My heart pounding.

It’s also a brutal thought because it’s been ten months (since June 2008) since I have seen him. It’s been nearly a third of his young life. Would he remember? Would it take a moment. Would his mother tense up? Would it cause more confusion and harm? I have no answers. So I make this map instead.

As I unwind the story of this map, I’ll also unwind the story of a love affair gone awry. I’ll tell you things as honestly as I can. I’ll tell you about him. I’ll tell you about me. I’ll tell you about her. I’ll probably tell you about her new husband. I’ll want to talk about issues of identity; issues of the law; issues of public policy; issues of betrayal; issues of heartache. Always, though, I’ll make the map.

Feel free to comment. Feel free to disagree with me. Feel free to share. Do not become hateful (of course that is for me to decide, but hey, it’s my blog — and I’ll do my best to explain my rationale).

Before I go, so you can get an idea of where I might be going with the complicated art piece, here are some examples I did of a prototype of this piece.

prototype 1Here you can see some of the detail.

Here is a closeup of the detail:

close up detail 1

close up detail 1

detail 2

detail 2

detail 3

detail 3

those are monopoly pieces, little trees, beaded fences, and hand stitched felt walk ways.

but check out the community garden (it’s my own utopia).

detail 4

detail 4

The garden is there on the left.

I’ll be adding more here in the next few days. More pictures of the map. And… and…. and…. a small little (oh-so-non-emotional discussion) about my upcoming court case on Friday (day after tomorrow) where a judge will be deciding if a co-parenting agreement is a valid contract in the state of Utah.

Until then… to all you other Lost Moms, hang in there. We are not alone. Our pain may feel solitary (okay, mind does) but it is a pain that is shared by many woman who have lost their children (or in this case, their children have lost them) due to being on the wrong side of public policy. Take good care of yourselves. Let’s take good care of each other.


9 Comments so far
Leave a comment

My thoughts and hopes are with you, from the place in my heart where you will always have a home.

Comment by Rich

Beautifully written. & I think the map is a wonderful place to spend your time. He’ll appreciate it very much some day.
I’ll be there tomorrow.
Hug to you.

Comment by Keri


Comment by emilythehopeless

Beautifully written. He will know the truth one day, and how much you love him. xoxo

Comment by Manessa

My heart aches with you. Your son will know his truth one day. The map is the most beautiful expression of love I have seen. Know that I am one Utah mom on the other half of a co-parenting agreement, and I support you and your rights fully.

Comment by Debbie Thompson

So beautiful. I am so, so sorry that she is doing this to you and to him. I can only hope and pray that the court does the right thing for her. My prayers are with you today.

Comment by jbeeky

Congratulations, Gena. – to you and your son. I am so very happy for you today.

Comment by Keri

Today is a great day! Congrats to you and your little boy.

Comment by Gina

Congratulations Gena, I am so happy for you and your son!

Comment by jbeeky

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